The beginning of the world.

This, is something I wrote a few months ago as a supplement to another story I was writing. It makes the whole spiritual, omnipotence scene a whole lot more... human. This is intended to be funny. I think it's funny. And I know people who've told me it's funny. It's not meant to be offensive, or blasphemous. And if it is, im counting on the fact everyone likes a good laugh every now and then. Even though it's usually at someone falling over.

The beginning.

There once, was a god. Not to say there no longer is one, but simply that the aforementioned one, is a god of note. He was a god with big ideas, and big dreams, but unfortunately, not so-big pockets. And so when he got his diploma and headed off the to Milky Way to make a name for himself, he hadn't really thought through how cutthroat the Omniscient Patron Deity business could be. The months went by, and he felt his work was falling to nothing. Real Estate was over the top, He stalked into his Agent Derek's office one day, and slumped into his chair. His office of course, only existed in potientia, and thus it was just a desk with some chairs, a couple of potted plants, and a collection of gaudy portraits of past clients on the wall because no matter where an agent is, he remains an agent.

Derek Slate, had been in the "business" for aeons, and while these last few years had been rough, when he found this new kid sitting on one of Saturn's rings, and heard his tale of dejections from all the other agent's in the immediate Galaxy, and a couple from outside ones, a heart-string was tugged, and he took on the kid himself. Maybe he reminded him of a young Derek. The Kid had some crazy ideas however... he attended a guild meeting with the God a few days ago, and all the other deities who were working on complicated worlds created of gasses and particles of chemicals, others entirely comprised of water, and even one that was simply oak trees.. and the Kid, as Derek liked to think of him, stood up, and cleared his throat...
People like to speculate that everything began with a word. And that word, was;

"'Scuse me..."

The Kid went on about creating this thing called "Humanity", and "Lesser Creatures", and making them in their own image.
"What, like.. employees?" Said the god of an Ant Planet somewhere on the outer fringes of the Ursa Major belt. Gods were aware of life, they just liked things simple. The Ant God was the Celestial equivalent of a base jumper in the community. He lived on the edge. The god screwed his face up into an image of distaste, and the Kid cleared his throat again.
"Well, more like... well, I suppose some would be like employees, but the rest would just sort of go about what had to be done." He wiped his forehead.
"My sons say that. "Go about what has to be done." I can't get my damn useless gits out of the house. I'm telling you, they'll loaf around and not do much, and then eat your food and then get in trouble with the police." The Goddess of the tulip and begonia planet said, her voice shrill with disapproval.
"No, no, not like that... i'll have these regulations set up, see-" There was a murmur of approval. Gods were in favor of both regulations and rules. "And if they muck up, there's a punishment.. sort of like.. ah, damn.. a peicework salary." There was another murmur from the gods. The chairman, who also the god of an entire boardroom planet, grunted and rapped his gavel.
"Now see here Lad. If we went around giving way to these new and challenging ideas... why, anything could happen. And we can't be having anything, we're gods!" The Guild of Deities existed for several reasons, one to give the new gods a good thurough earful as to why they must do like everyone else, and two, because gods never turn down a free drink. "Your Grant is denied." He slammed his gavel. The Kid's jaw trembled once, and he opened his mouth as if to protest, but then just sulked off towards the door, wading through the jeers of the other gods.
"Sentience indeed.. the very idea!" Laughed the Ant God again.
"Independant thought, that's a lark!" Said another god who owned three wheat planets a few lightyears off Neptune. Derek pushed his way through the crowd of deities.
"Hey Kid, wait up!" he shouted. He finally found him still sulking, kicking a rock around on the dark side of Mercury. He put an arm on the Kid's shoulder, in an awkward attempt at consolation.
"They were horrid Derek, they didn't even give me a proper chance!" He said, through choked sobs. "These ideas.. I know they're right, they have to happen. I can't explain why." Derek nodded gloomily. His heart went out to the Kid, and he decided a few things he had been saving until now, weren't worth hanging on to. You're not getting any younger Derek, said his inner monologue. He cleared his throat theatrically, and cracked his knuckles.
"Alright Kid, i'll tell you what, i've got a few favours and things I can call in. First thing tomorrow, we'll be at work." He said, flashing a large grin. the Kid looked up and him, regained his composure, and sniffled a little bit.
"Really?"
"Cross my heart." The Kid glowered at this.
"Here now, you don't have one."
"I'll cross the closest thing to it." Derek said with his grin still painting his face.

That night, Derek made a trip around the Milky Way. You didn't survive long in this buisness without keeping a few people in your pocket, and knowing the right people. And Derek, while in the golden years of his career, had accumulated a few of these things and decided that he wanted to go out with a bang. A Big Bang, infact.
He sat down in his desk, and stared at the folder with "TOP SECRET" stamped on it in huge red ink. This was it then. He recalled his coversation with the god of boardrooms.
"Derek." he said simply, acknowledging the agent who had approached him after the gods had left. Only the janitor (who was also the god of a janitor planet) remained in the building, and he was out rinsing ambrosia off the drapes. Derek ran a hand through his hair, and cleared his throat.
"Nothing personal against you Chronos, but im calling in that favour." The God of Boardrooms' eyes widened for a split second, then returned to their normal shrewd, narrowed, state.
"I see." He was silent for a minute, and then beckoned Derek over throught he curtains at the back of the room, and through a hallway into, what he presumed, was the God's office.
"A drink?" he asked dryly, motioning with a hand to the rack of crystal bottles behind the desk. The office was like many offices, dull, drab, and poorly finished. Derek shook his head.
"Im here about the Kid." The God didn't look surprised, but opened his desk, and took out the manilla folder.
"You realize-" he said with a growl, "that I could have your very essence snuffed out of the universe like so much a dust particle." He folded his hands and rested his chin on his thumbs in the manner that those of a less-savoury nature do all over. Derek looked contemplative, and then clicked his tongue.
"True, but not before I let everyone know about how you assimilated that new god over by the little dipper when he couldn't owe up... and that's just one example." The god's eyes flashed dangerously, and he sighed.
"Sometimes Derek, I wonder why I fired you." He said grinning, and handed over the folder. It was heavy, and there was the distinct shape of something inside. Derek took it gingerly, and dipped into a slight bow. "I'm assuming this is exactly what you want. What else could you want?" The agent's eyes sparkled momentarily, and he snatched the folder and stuffed it into his pocket. "May this be the last we see of each other." He said wryly, and turned to leave.
"Indeed. Although I have a hunch, that it won't be." Muttered Chronos, the God of boardrooms, and also, although maybe known to only a handful across the multiverse, the God of gods, as the agent left his office. He gave the door a stare that could make a red dwarf freeze over, and picked up the receiver on his desk. "Ducate? Oh, sorry Karen. Yes, I realize what hour it is Karen. I didn't mean-" He paused and held the phone away from his ear. If one looked closely you could see Chronos counting to ten. "All the same Karen, im sorry, but this is urgent, and I really need to-" another pause. "Yes, i'll bring the mower back Karen, im sorry about the state of your lawn... thank you, keep well karen.." He mumbled as she went to find her husband, Ducate, God of Order. He also muttered a word that sounded an awful lot like ditch. "Ah, Ducate. Your wife, simply a treasure as always. But I digress, I fear we have a bit of a problem on our hands... what? Yes, im still coming to poker on wednesday."
The folder, in fact, contained the essence of all gods, a tiny peice of their power. These things, which known as elements, were used to create a "Big Bang" effect, produced once and then sealed away under the circumstances that it was unbecoming and "ungodly" way to make a world. I mean, anyone could be a god if they had they had that folder... honestly.
Sortly after, there was a bang. A Big one. And then, there was the earth.

The Kid stood unto the hebrew and Moses, or as the Kid had dubbed him, the smartarse, and spoke to the cluttered horde on the mountainside. They looked at him, with expressions of anticipation hovering on their faces. The Kid muttered to himself under his breath. Alright... power, power.. find the centre.. alright.
"Alright you lot, listen up!" Said the burning bush.
He frowned inside. The agency was full out of avatars, they said, and even though he had reserved the number 6 model with the 8 foot stormhammer and flowing beard of wisdom... somehow, reservations never worked. "All we have available..." the receptionist said dryly, "is a bush." The Kid stared straight ahead, unblinkingly.
"A bush."
"Yes sir. A bush. It's a rather nice one." She added, biting her lip. There was a monet of unblinking silence.
"It -is- on fire..." The Kid counted to ten slowly.
"Well... Fine. Just... fine. I'll take it."
There was relative silence on the hillside once again. The Kid finished his speech, and was now taking questions.
"So yes, that means no stabbing Mr. Belowitz over there and taking his cattle in the night. Any more questions?" He said. One of the followers held his hand in his chin for a moment, and then looked up.
"What about pension?" He mumbled, scuffing the ground with his foot.
"...Pension? I explained all that, heaven, hell, the weighing of your sins, et cetera. Honestly you people..." The Kid sighed in responce.
"Alright, alright, no need to get sharp with me. Anyway, one minute your mightyness." The freed slaves all congealed into a group and began muttering amongst themselves. The burning bush tried to tug it's collar, then realized it didnt have one, and just shook a branch instead.
"They're laughing at me Moses, I know it..." He muttered to the bearded man next to him, who simply shrugged.
"Of course not my lord, although this whole thing is a little impromptu..." He looked casually at the two stone slabs in his hand. "It took me weeks to carve these you know. And then you come down and it's like; "Right Moses, nevermind, I got this." I will say im a bit sore." The Kid looked at his roots, ashamed.
"I'm sorry Moses. I just wanted to get this right."
"I know, don't worry." The sagely man made an attempt to pat the bush on the back in a there, there manner, although only ended up scalding his hand. The Hebrews now, turned back to the pair standing above them.
"We talked it all out," said the man from before, "and you'll do." There was no cheers, no dropping to the knees, just the silent satisfaction and head-nodding of people who know they've picked the better option in a deal. The god was a little taken aback, however.
"Er... splendid, let this day henceforth be known as... oh, sod it. Just don't forget those commandments, alright? I worked very hard on them!" There was a chorus of "Yes milord"'s. "Right then. I'll let you get back to it, I know you've all got things to do." In the future, he made a point to have someone speak for him in these matters. A Voice of God, if will. He just didn't feel he had the patience for the sort of blunt deliberateness his creations seemed to have. (This did come to pass eventually. Although the Metatron is now, presently, on a councilling schedule from the office therapist, and ordered to avoid loud noises and crowds, the poor fellow. We'll get to his story.) The bush extinguished. Moses took that as his cue to step up.
"Right you lot, lets get this show on the road, the deserts not going to cross it's self, you know!" There was a general groan from the collective slaves, and the trekked off from the mountainside.
"I don't know Malachi, I have a feeling we were better off in Egypt." Said one to his compatriot, who just sighed, and slapped his friend across the back of the head.

And that, is how the world began. More or less